hiatus.

I call it the Journey of Life. I felt the black and white tone nicely captured the emotional essence I try to capture in all of my artwork.

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Without further adieu, I'm back.

it's finally the day...

tomorrow. do or die. may day. i'm going to somehow, someway be able to have some sort of communication with him. even though i'm going on a field trip, in which he will not be attending, i will get my friend to give him my email.

pretty low, ain't it?

but i don't care. exactly one month from today and school is over. which could mean that i will never see his virile face again. even though i've waited a good 2 years to talk to this fellow, i feel that i can't take it anymore. seeing him around, and never striking up a 'hey, how do you do?' [in the most awkward way possible, obviously]. i feel that i'm now ready to do something about this petty little crush.

i'm definitely preparing myself for the worst, though. because, how odd would that be? someone's friend coming up to you, who you've never talked to before, giving you your "admirer's" email. i doubt he'll even add me, but i'm willing to deal with that consequence. as long as i know that i'm putting myself out there. the uncertainty is just giving me an adrenaline rush right now. at least i won't have to live in regret with all the "woulda, coulda, shoulda's" that would harvest in my mind.

tying my heart on a bird's foot, setting it free of captivity, and hoping that the addressee would read and return this precarious heart. that's all i'm asking for.

transatlanticism

This world is too big.
Too vast.
Too unknown.
Too unknowable.
Millions of strangers,
All bearing untold burdens.
Countless tales of distrust,
Infinite stories of betrayal,
Measureless accounts of deceit;
Their biographies never heard.
Ideas upon ambitions,
Goals upon destinations,
Never uttered, never attained.
Merely executed, as they all evaporate.
Due to old age..
Mostly neglect.
Knowledge we could have known,
People we could have met,
Wasted.
Only tangible things exist,
Only what we know to be true,
Nothing questioned.
Nothing explored.
Nothing is everything we don't know.
Ignorance found blissful,
Unconsciousness found acceptable.
Not knowing what is,
knowing what isn't.
This life is too short.
Too abbreviated,
Too condensed,
Too condensable.
Open your eyes,
For they have been blind to the beauty of forms left unmade.
Motivate your ears,
For they have been deaf to the sounds of words left unsaid.
Mobilize your mouth,
For it has said nothing to the strangers left unadvised.
Prompt your mind,
For it has encapsulated thoughts from this world left unarmed.
This world is too big,
This life is too short.

shuttles, spaceships, satellites

Off with the stage make-up and the blinding headlights above my head. I'm back and I missed this blog so much. Even though I had a life within the past week or two, I don't think I'll return to that life for another year or so. Our big school production of Godspell has come to an end. I'm partially happy, ecstatic even. But, a little piece of me is still hindering on the stage, amongst my fellow talented classmates, waiting for the bright lights to shine upon my face, and I can take on this whole new persona, apathetic to the judges. I must say, I will miss that. And those after-parties... It'd be safer to not talk about those on here xD

Anyways, I found this cool little survey thing on facebook. I think I'll post it, and anyone else who wants to post it, may do so as well.

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Rules: "Once you’ve been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it’s because I want to know more about you."

1.) I love literature. It's disgusting. I write and read as much as I breathe, and I have a book that contains all of Shakespeare's works, which have all been read thoroughly. I also have this book where I write down interesting little quotes I see. It's almost full. PS, i dont care what anyone says, The Great Gatsby and The Kite Runner are the most amazing books i've ever had to read for school.

2.) I hate people. I'm super friendly, but secretly, I think all people are morons. I especially dislike teenagers. I just dont like talking to people my age. They act like a bunch of dumb morons, with their sights only on receiving the most attention from guys. I think I wouldn't mind if I was a loner at school. I'm pretty sure I'd be more happy.

3.) I wear glasses for distance, but I end up wearing them all day sometimes. It makes me feel safe, for some reason. But, I can tell that my eyes are gradually getting worse, so maybe I should stop wearing them 24/7... but then again, maybe I won't.

4.) I burn like a lobster in the summer, and am almost transparent in the winter.

5.) I can't stand improper grammar. It just bugs me.

6.) I'm really, really clumsy. Everyday someone asks me to try and be more graceful. I can't help it. I spill everything, trip a lot, and hit my head so much that I should have some kind of brain damage by now.

7.) I have an elastic face. Seriously, I can contort my face in many ways. People call me the female Mr. Bean, which I take as a compliment.

8.) My iPod is the nucleus of my life.

9.) I wish I could freeze time. if I could, I would draw faces on everyone and laugh when people notice that person has a drawn mustache, while that person is noticing the same thing about that person. Know what I mean?

10.) I'm not good at anything. I'm serious. I cant think of anything that I have actually succeeded in except for reading more than ten books over summer vacation.

11.) I hate girls. Some of them are cool, but most of them are extremely irritating.

12.) I'm THE worst driver you will ever meet. Seriously. My instructor once told me that I drive like I am the only person in the world. That's not good.

13.) I'm extremely imaginative. I wish I lived inside my head.

14.) I'm ambidexterous. I do basically everything with my left hand, except write. But, then again, my writing is legible with it.

15.) I can sit and watch people all day. Somtimes I look at people, and try and make up what they're conversing about. Sometimes, what I think up, is hilarious, and I start laughing - while still looking at the person. Sometimes, the people catch me and give me dirty looks. Sometimes they come up to me and start yelling at me, telling me that I shouldn't be staring at people, and laughing at them, when I don't even know them. True story.

16.) I think milk is even greater than sliced bread.

17.) I have the craziest family. I'm serious. Like, legit wacko.

18.) My favourite subjects are english, psychology and sociology. My least favourite is math. It does not go through my head. And if it does, my brain stores it in some foreign lobe that I don't know how to activate.

19.) I fall for guys who have any creative ability. Playing piano is a big one. I don't know why.

20) My sister and I look a lot alike, but we're the complete opposite. For example, she can piece any type of clothing together, and make it look good. While I, on the other hand, have the fashion sense of a blind kangaroo.

21.) I'm positive I was born in the wrong era. My brain doesn't work in the 21st century.

22.) I've been eating really unhealthy lately. I haven't exercised in about a month. The worst part is, I don't care. I feel like I can't do anything about it. I'm thinking I'll eat all the crap I want now, then when i'm 20, I'll go on Jenny Craig and look "perfect".

23.) I fully support gay marriage. I think that if you're going to get married, you're getting married to officially bond yourself to that individual. Why cant people of the same sex do the same? People dont make sense. They let religion control their lives. But doesn't God love everyone? Doesn't God want everybody to be happy? He shouldn't care if people are gay, straight, bi etc. Because he loves them, either way. Therefore, we should do the same and accept them. Not stomp on their values, saying that it's wrong.

24.) My hands and feet are either really cold or really hot. There's no middle ground.

25.) I have a tendancy to embarass myself a lot.

things i would like to contradict

Okay, so I pretty much hate it when people make up things like

'Girls love it when guys smell and play with their hair...'

or

'We flip our hair to make guys notice us.'

(Okay, my examples suck. But you get the point, don't you? No? Not my fault.)


These are some more things that I found from some group on facebook, and I decided to write this, because once again, I am bored out of my mind.


"We always need to hear we're beautiful"
No. Just... no. Not ALWAYS. It's nice to know that someone thinks you're beautiful, but you don't always need to hear it, ya vain betch.


"It's every girls dream to have a guy call her at 3AM just to tell her 'I love you'"
Umm... I guess it's a sweet gesture, but could you possibly pick a better time to call? Because at 3 AM, I'm probably sleeping and would rip your head off if you interrupted my sleep. kthxbai.


"We spend too much time thinking about things that will never happen and dressing up for the boy that will never care."
Oh, really? I dress according to the weather and the occasion.


"I tell you I love you hoping to hear it back, but when you don't tell me, it makes me want to die because without you, I am ALONE!"
Oh man, I'm glad this whole "I love you" business came up. Listen, if you've only been going out for a while, you shouldn't be saying that. Wanna hear the truth? Most of the time, it's not LOVE. That word is used so loosely nowadays...


"We'd go 400 miles to pick up your dirty laundry hoping you'd do the same."
... Maybe... as long as they didn't soil their underwear. Hopefully it's not crusty at all.


"We look at other couples & our hearts weaken with disappointment and wonder what the hell we did wrong."
Meh... sometimes? But if the other couples I see are making out, I'm out of there in a second. NOT because my 'heart weakens with disappointment', but because I don't fancy seeing them swapping spit.


"Sometimes, we just hate to see other people happy."
How cruel.


"When we walk away and tell you not to follow, we are screaming on the inside for you to just chase us."
Holy shit, you want stalkers!


"I talked louder and laughed harder just to get you to look my way."
Desperate, maybe? Come on, if they liked you, you wouldn't have to do all of that. Besides, you'll look like a complete psycho.


"Some things you can't see with your eyes, only with your heart."
Oh sorry, my heart must need glasses... contacts... a monocle... something.


"I took a little extra time in the morning to make sure I looked perfect for you"
Nope. I woke up five minutes late, sat up and fell asleep in that position for five minutes more, showered, got dressed, (but forgot to brush my hair so I did it in school.), ate, brushed my teeth, and practically fell on my face trying to get to school on time.

"We want you to hold our hand. It makes us feel special and safe"
Maybe... But my hands are usually cold, and get even colder when I'm nervous... So please, DON'T hold my hand. I might freeze you by accident.


"Don't just say 'I love you' when we are fighting. Sure it makes us feel good, but don't use that to get out of trouble."
"YOU'RE SUCH AN IDIOT!"
"I HATE YOU!"
"SKANK!"
"DOUCHEBAG!"
"I LOVE YOU!"
WHAT!?


"Once you make us laugh when we think there's nothing to worth smiling about... you're stuck with us for good"
Slightly creepy.


"When another girl texts you, calls you, or even talks to you we are waiting for the second alone to check this person out and see what reason they have to be talking to you, because you're mine and that's all i want you to be."
No! It's not a healthy relationship if you feel the need to check on them everytime someone of the opposite sex tries to communicate with them. Learn how to trust.


"When you're with your friends, show us off and make us feel important."
Okay, you wanna be shown off and displayed like a trophy? Ha.


"Love is a game meant for two. Only two."
It shoudn't even be a game.


"Even though we say we're fine with you having friends that are girls it's not always true."
Shit, join some sort of support group! You need to learn how to trust people. My god.

And I'm done.

the message

if only i could explain

If only I could explain the truths of this world, the messed up meanings of utter significance and the facts in which life itself throws so unexpectedly into our hearts. How can we live and love, learn and grow, when so many setbacks threaten to push us down, stomp our fire out and watch as we crumbled under our own weight?

And if this is true, how can we dream, when dreams but only lead to death itself for death is the only ending, the place in which we will all succumb to one day more. Oh the bitter irony it feels to me, the twisted fate that we all must find ourselves ever working towards. When one must live, so must one die, but when one dies, others find no more will to live.

Hardships happen and those may put a notch in our lives, but when death happens, when its irresistable call pulls us all away, one by one, there is more then just a notch thrown. More then just an insignificant event.

No, when death is evident, life itself stops. The tears of bitter reality, and the truths behind untold words make life itself one less place to feel home. One by one we perish. One by one we watch as each one of us falls from grace and leaves this world for something... or maybe nothing. Maybe death itself is but a word to describe the nothingness in which we feel the moment someone slips through our grasps.

All I know, all I could possibly tell you is that this life, this one heart that beats within my breast, the one dream in which carries itself is the one thing that pushes me forwards when death's call pulls another away.

Respect the dead, but go on living, no matter the pain, the suffering, the heartache. Never falter, always hold your head high, and never let go.

Dedicated to: Grant Smith, Mrs Crane, and Mr.Mahler...

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3 deaths in one month. It takes its toll on you.