Monday, November 10, 2008

a game you'll lose before you ever have a chance to win

taken from my lj journal

9/13/08

I don't even think I know how happy I am now. Even though my head's-a-swelling and pounding like a bass drum in an empty coliseum, I feel refreshed, rejuvenated and... happy. Funny how my moods can fluctuate so quickly. The whole day today was groggy, not only me, but the weather. Two days without sunshine, and I am a dead willow. I had a few naps today, which I thought would brighten my mood, but instead, only made me more miserable. But, the last nap that I had, I didn't really nap at all. I was just lying in bed, thinking about everything and nothing. The duskiness of the room, the street lamps about to report to their nightly duty, the rest of the world buzzing about me. And I just lay in bed. Doing nothing. It felt so good. It felt like I could be by myself my whole life and still be happy. I don't think much people could feel that way, especially at 16. Most people get too carried away with themselves, either drinking themselves dry, focusing too much on their socialite schedules, etc. They don't really take time out to just enjoy being by themselves. They don't get to experience who they really are. It's so easy to be somebody else. But to be yourself, that's a different story. With the media, trying night and day, to manipulate you and brainwash you into becoming "normal", you sometimes have to take a step back and look at yourself truthfully. Are you really enjoying this new person that you've become? Or is it just another facade that you put on? A different mask for each day making it seem like every day is a masquerade party. But underneath that plastic mask, is a concrete face. Soulful eyes. Distinguished lips. A face that could only be yours. So, take that mask off. It's not very easy to breathe in, anyways.

Lose yourself in something.
Only then will you find yourself
Not blindingly conforming into what is cool
But to see through eyes, just as wide as they could
Staring into the world
As if it was just made for you, and only you

"You can't be anyone if you're not anyone
Is what they said to me
But it seems to be that they can't see
Inside their own fucking selves"

I wish I could just tap into people's emotions, and make them better with a quick snap of a finger.
I wish I could be brave and bold, and approach people with a quick wink of an eye.
I wish my future was more foreseeable so that I could plan accordingly with a quick sigh through the nose.
I wish, I wish, I wish...
There's definitely not enough stars to fulfill all my wishes.

- K

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