"have you been to a doctor lately?...

...because i think you may have a very severe case of throat cancer"

F5

Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. I wished I knew the answers, now I wish I could forget them. I used to wish for a better life, now I just wish I was invisible. I wished I had a heart, but all I got was a hole. I used to be afraid of dying, but now I'm too fucking scared to live.

what i've learned

There is something that I will never forget someone saying to me. I don't even remember their face or their name, but I just remember what they said and the significance that it had on me.

"History is such a long time ago, everyone says that. But that's my point. That's why we can't forget it. No matter how much time has passed, these things still affect us and the world we live in. If you don't pay attention to the past, you'll never understand the future. It's all linked together. You see what I'm saying?"

At first, I didn't. But then I realized they were right.

1. The past did affect the present and the future, in the ways you could see and a million ones you couldn't. Time wasn't a thing you could divide easily; there was no defined middle, beginning or end. I could pretend to leave the past behind, but it would not leave me. When I thought about it, it creeped me out a bit, as I was still little, so I grabbed a CD from my pile in my closet and put the closest blank CD in. When I hit the PLAY button, all I could hear was static, and I settled in and waited for the first song to begin. It didn't, though. Not in the next few minutes, not ever. Then I realized: the CD was blank. Maybe it was a spare CD, but then again, maybe it meant something profund. But as I sat there, it only seemed like silence filling my ears. And the thing was, it was so loud.It was the weirdest thing, so different from music. The sound was nothing, empty, but at the same time, it pushed everything else out, quieting me enough that I began to be able to make out something distant, almost hard to hear. But it was there, softly, coming to me from some dark place I'd never seen but somehow, someway, knew so well. I knew that if I stayed where I was, in all that quiet, and didn't run from it, I would hear it. I'd have to go back in my memory, but that was okay. It was the only way to get to the end. Because that is what happens when you try to run from the past. It doesn't just catch up: it overtakes, blotting out the future, the landscape, the very sky, until there is no path left except the one that leads through it, the only one that can ever get you home.

2. All my life, I realized, I'd only seen people as one way, as if it was the only way they could be. One weak, one strong. One scared, one bold. I was beginning to understand though that there was no such thing as absolutes, not in life or in people. It was day by day, if not moment by moment. All you could do was take on as much weight as you can bear. And if you're lucky, there's someone close enough to shoulder the rest.

3. I think that in order to get the most out of your experiences, both good and bad, you have to think of the future. The bigger picture. Think about tomorrow, a month from now, a year from now. Maybe even forever. Forever is so many different things. It's always changing, it's what everything is really about. It's twenty minutes, or a hundred years, or just this instant, or any instant you wished could last and last. But there was only one truth about forever that really mattered, and that is this: it's happening. Right now, and every moment afterwards. Now. Now. Now.

4. It's a lot easier to be lost than found. It's the reason we're always searching, and rarely discovered - so many locks, not enough keys. That's why you're always told that if you ever get lost and keep walking around and searching, you're bound to get even more lost. But if you stay put and try to survive, someone is ought to come and help. While you're staying put, gather food and find a good shelter to help protect you. Same goes with life - if you're lost or searching for something you haven't found, stay where you are and assess your situation. Be prepared. Never give up because somewhere along the way, you'll figure out where you are and where you need to go next. Find that key and unlock it to a brand new path. Because underneath every bad experience is a good one.

It is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves.-- William Shakespeare

extreme makeover: blogger edition

I just found something else to add to my 'What I Want To Do Before I Die, Or Before I Go Into A Mental Asylum List'.

Sounds about right...

I'm just loving my new layout... 3 cheers for spending 3 hours trying to figure out how to "unzip" a file.

even though the '60s are over...

I believe in kindness and love; I believe in generosity, happiness and subsequently despair. I believe there is good and evil, however we choose to define it, and I believe that our minds are far more powerful than we realize.

I believe life is simply to live, and "purpose" is something we coined and made for ourselves. I believe our choices are what define us, not who or what we believe in. I believe there is more to life than material goods, and yet I understand the hedonistic nature of man. I believe that love and intimacy are the greatest emotional indulgences, simultaneously a miracle cure and a deadly poison.

I believe that our personalities are inherent but we are molded by those who care for us. I believe the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. I believe that we will always be united and divided as long as we live.

I believe in things we can never understand, and that philosophy is nothing but an impossible, intellectual search for a truth that is impossible to ever find. An exercise in futility has seldom been so eloquent.

I believe that we must live within the boundaries of our lives and treat others with respect as we cleanse ourselves from toxic acquaintances. I believe those who do evil should not be subject to fame and fortune for their actions and everyday heroes do not get the honor they deserve.

I believe that we are all the same, regardless of our skin or birthplace. I believe we will never live in peace, but I believe in the spirit of benevolence and the ideal of a peaceful, loving world. However, I do not hold my breath for it.

city and colour

Dallas Green. Guitarist and back-up vocalist for the screamo band Alexisonfire. This music is such a drastic change from his usual stylings. I prefer this kind, but I was also a big fan of Alexisonfire back in the day. What I love most about this video is that he taped it all in my wasteland of a city. I love how I can recognize every place he is within this video. The alleviating feeling of familiarity...

I heard that he still lives around here, eating cereal with orange juice in his momma's basement.

From his self-titled album, I present to you: Save Your Scissors.

So go on/And I will refrain/And I'll keep on running this neverending race/maybe next time will be the right time/and maybe next time will be your time

valentine's day: a paranoid hypothesis

I had a thought yesterday. Shocking, I know, but I kid you not; it made me realize that thought is a double-edged sword. Too little in the way of mental activity will hold you back, while too much can interfere with your everyday life. In the latter circumstance, overanalyzation can lead to paranoia.

Speaking of which.......do you ever feel like you're being watched, like in The Truman Show or The Matrix? Your logic makes you shrug off these notions, disputing their validity and assuring yourself that you're not interesting enough to follow. But in our day and age, it's easy to see how paranoia could become a natural response to these thoughts. What if those people really ARE watching you? It'd be nearly impossible to prove they are, but equally difficult to conclude the opposite.

This got me noticing the smaller nuances in my life, in some feeble attempt to make my otherwise normal (read: boring) life a little more exciting. In doing so, I noticed that I seem to be bombarded by advertisements for Valentine's Day of late. I see ads for it on TV and on the internet, I hear them on the radio (oddly enough, at times I'm thinking about the holiday), and in some strange way I get the feeling that it's all directed toward me. It's all a conspiracy. Maybe it's because I'm a romantic at heart and therefore see little point to Valentine's Day. Maybe it's because I'm a romantic at heart and believe that the same feeling can be captured anyday. I don't know how and I don't know why.....but I think "they" are on to me.

In fact, yesterday I decided to take a short nap. I dozed off faster than I thought, and in my R.E.M., I had the most bizarre dream. I was walking in the middle of the highway, as cars sped past me, horns blaring and drivers cursing my conception, and telling me how to spend my afterlife. Then the craziest thing happened. There I was, in the middle of the busy highway, when Cupid himself appeared before me.

"Krystina," he said, with a much deeper voice than I'd expect from a corpulent flying baby with an out-of-date hunting weapon.

"You barely get into the Christmas spirit, you don't go trick-or-treating anymore, and the last time you lost a tooth you only cared about the dental bill. You've lost your innocence, madam, and now that you're no longer pure, you don't even get into the spirit of Valentine's Day?"

I was a bit starstruck, needless to say. I mean, it's not everyday you get raked over the coals by a Roman god in the middle of a busy highway.

"Well, uh, Cupid......I don't believe in just being romantic on one day, in a poor attempt to make up for not doing so on other days. I think it's just about as commercialized as Christmas, and just another way for jewellers to make money off people who can't afford to part with their hard-earned cash."

This made him angry.

"Well then we ought to cancel birthdays, because it's just an excuse to get drunk and remember coming out of your mother: bald, screaming and helpless. You know, pretty much how you end up after 80 years."

He was right. I was wrong, but of course I wasn't about to admit that.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"

I assumed my best fighting stance, but I wasn't quick enough to avoid a well-placed love arrow. He nailed me right on my left chest. As I fell to the ground, I realized that the highway was now my soulmate.

I woke up in a panicked sweat. It was just then, that I heard the television blaring in the other room."This Valentine's Day, get her what she REALLY wants....every kiss begins with Kay!"

I........think they know about me. And I think, after this Valentine's Day, they could come to hunt me down. I....I....guess it's time for my pill.

digress

i need to get back into the blogging spirit again, because i seemed to have lost touch with it for a good two weeks or so? XD anyways... my mom just came in my room and told me to 'get off the computer and go play with your sister.' and she gave me a huge lecture on how everytime i get home from school, i just isolate and lock myself up in my room, and never come out until dinner time. it's like i'm voluntarily putting myself in a jail cell... well, a fun jail cell. because i'm around friends and annoying people ALL day, and when i get home, i want to be in solitude and peace. is it so much to ask just to be alone for a few hours? but oh well, i digress.

so today i went to the mall with my two best friends, rachel and jessica. to meet a guy. an older guy. a 22 year old guy... which isn't THAT OLD if you think about it, but compared to me, is pretty old. my friend rachel started talking to him through facebook creeping, and she met up with him at the mall last week with another friend of hers [TALK ABOUT DANGEROUS!] supposedly he ended up being a real nice guy to her... but i was still skeptical, and so was jessica. so we decided to go together to meet this new guy of hers. his name was MOE, and he was saudi arabian and he talked about russell peters and soccer a lot. he was also making some advances on rachel... and i was like 'WTF PERVERT MUCH?' because he's 22, and rachel's 16. according to law, it's not even legal to be able to date someone within 5 years of age [but who really cares about the law, anyways?] but, seriously. when we were walking around the mall with each other, he kept flirting with her and making these creepy moves on her and it was just really awkward. he kept saying 'oh come to my soccer game' 'come to my house with my friends and we can drink' 'come to my house alone'. then the creepiness just sort of escalated from there, when rachel was actually appreciating and enjoying what he was saying to her, and kept flirting back. now, to me, there's a fine line when it comes to flirting. either you're flirting flirting... or just being a straight out hoe. rachel, as much as she's my friend, was a hoe. and i told her to watch out for him, because he obviously wants to get her in the pants, and she was like 'oh no no, don't worry. you can trust me.' as much as i want to trust her, i can't. she's been through so many guys and stuff, and all i can do is worry for her because her feelings can fluctuate so quickly, and if this MOE breaks her heart... she'll be down in the dumps for a month or so, and i'll be getting the worst end of it. and i will have to go do some serious ass-kicking on this moe guy. i've told her so many times before to watch out. but she never listens, everything i say seems to go in through one ear and out the other. i don't mean to sound bitter, but if she comes crying back to me when this guy is done with her, all i can say is:

i told you so. no need to console you, i told you everything that was going to happen, and you didn't want to listen to me. i don't want to see you as a big teary-eyed mess. come back to me when you're fully capable of keeping a straight face, and not letting those dams break every minute something reminds you of him.

the art of photoshop

haha my friend gave this to me a few months ago, and i just found it now while cleaning out my binders. LUDAWIG XD