it's my birthday!

I blinked and I'm already 17. Where did the time go?!

Seventeen Forever - Metro Station


One year older than last January, minutes expire differently now. Shadows sprawl differently, the furnace sings differently. No longer do closed doors and locked eyes keep out what frightens, instead it takes wide-angle staring and lack of armor to take on the battlefield. No longer can warmth stop relentless shivers, dissipate cold sweat eroding my spine. The frigid bathroom tile has made friends with past-midnight, its coolness on my palms empties my lungs. After enough hours gone sleepless my hands start to shake and I hold on to nothing, literally, figuratively. I now understand that having friends doesn't protect from being an outcast, and learn to see it as a beautiful phenomenon, much like everything else buzzing around. Traffic flow becomes a steel ballet and suddenly, suddenly nothing is so bad anymore. I close my eyes and instead of dreaming, watch the shades and dots and flashes intertwine into black into white, and I know that I am alright, that everything will always be alright. I know I see things unconventionally, I know it in every gram of bone marrow and ounce of too-thin blood, and I know that one day the clock will strike a miraculous opportunity to apply my perception and create something magical. Until that epiphany, let this be a pact, a heart-crossed swear, here's to exploration and experimentation. Embracing sharp angles and worn down curves alike, seeing lack of sleep as simply more time to do something divine, and the tearful letdowns of when promising plans splinter. To let go and to let live, for as long as my bones remain solid. A new perspective and the desire to illuminate, small fragments and sepia tones, insects still walking and refurbished rubber. Here's to.

"You are young and I was scared
You're wise beyond your years
But I don't care
And I can feel your heartbeat
You know exactly where to take me

We're one mistake from being together
But let's not ask why it's not right
You won't be seventeen forever
And we can get away with this tonight

'Will you remember me?'
You ask me as I leave
'Remember what I said?'
Oh, how could I
Oh, how could I forget?"

- K is 17 in 4 hours and 48 minutes.