but i am a butterfly, you wouldn't let me die

To live was one thing. To love, now that was something else entirely. Under what pretences do I speak of such a thing as love? Merely a thought maybe? Or maybe a strange twist in fate that brought me here, sitting before my computer screen with but a cup of tea and a cloudy afternoon? I could not tell you, for I myself cannot quite put words to why this is being spoken to you. Maybe, maybe because I found something like belonging in these words. A sanctuary in these solemn few sentences that I call home. Maybe, it’s the solidarity of a surrounding that is not unstable, untruthful.

For the pages of a book are always truthful. They never change, never lie. They never cheat you out of the ending that will always come, no matter how many pages you turn, how many times your eyes have scanned the same familiar sentences. To live, learn, and love are things in this world that have become something of a passion of mine, but the risk, the freedom in this life, is something that scares me beyond comprehension. The pages of a book, they are safe.

So I write to you, not of those harsh realities that come in all the wrong time, or maybe, that’s exactly what I have been writing all this time. Maybe, these sentences are filled with but a brief revelation of the sights my own eyes have seen, or the mere idea that I have never before found something more hope enduring, more soulful, more immaculate, then the words that I speak, the pictures I sew with but a few words, and the need.

The rain patters against my window now, slow, ongoing. I can hear it’s drone as I type, my own heart pattering along with the ever persistent barrage. I let its steady rhythm take hold of me once more, but the risk to step outside, to let the rain envelope me in its cool, bitter dance, was something I could not find myself doing.

So I sit here, watching through parted curtains, as the rain falls, and wish that maybe someday, I would dance among it and leave all my fears, all my inhibitions behind. That day, that day will be the day that I can finally live again.